Top 2 Traits in a Mate

[Obadele Kambon]

What are the top two traits you would require in a mate?

[NyameNti]

What are the top two traits you would require in a mate?

Great question. If I had to list one-masculinity is a very important trait to have in a complement. I can no longer assume that the opposite sex automatically is in possession of this trait.
Further, It is my experience that "favorable/preferred" traits are not easily assessed. The time factor is a basis of determination. Living in an instant world I can understand the complications that arise. It is easy to imagine the characteristic of "honesty, consistency, or Afrikan consciousness" to run across a field of daffodils to meet you with the expectation of an instant connection.

Most people in my generation have not had the models available to understand the real qualities of successful relationships. Because even if you are Afrikan-centered you may leave your socks laying around, snore, have bad financial habits, or possess other quirks that cause conflicts that eventually lead into your sexual expression toward each other. Regardless of "traits" the latter may be personally unbearable.

Lastly, moving forward I believe that traits in a mate should be initially assessed by being around/checking out the family. That "old school" approach of inviting people to dinner. Figuring out what was modeled for the person you are interested in. At the end of the day that family will probably be an important factor in keeping you together/or facilitating the break-up. Who knows what conversation drunk Uncle John will have with you if you tell him that you are tired of being with your mate-in other words, It is wise to have an idea of what is most important to you in a mate, but whether we know it or not we are "getting with" the people who were behind that person during their upbringing.

[Obadele Kambon]

Great question. If I had to list one-masculinity is a very important trait to have in a complement. I can no longer assume that the opposite sex automatically is in possession of this trait.
Further, It is my experience that "favorable/preferred" traits are not easily assessed. The time factor is a basis of determination. Living in an instant world I can understand the complications that arise. It is easy to imagine the characteristic of "honesty, consistency, or Afrikan consciousness" to run across a field of daffodils to meet you with the expectation of an instant connection.

Most people in my generation have not had the models available to understand the real qualities of successful relationships. Because even if you are Afrikan-centered you may leave your socks laying around, snore, have bad financial habits, or possess other quirks that cause conflicts that eventually lead into your sexual expression toward each other. Regardless of "traits" the latter may be personally unbearable.

Lastly, moving forward I believe that traits in a mate should be initially assessed by being around/checking out the family. That "old school" approach of inviting people to dinner. Figuring out what was modeled for the person you are interested in. At the end of the day that family will probably be an important factor in keeping you together/or facilitating the break-up. Who knows what conversation drunk Uncle John will have with you if you tell him that you are tired of being with your mate-in other words, It is wise to have an idea of what is most important to you in a mate, but whether we know it or not we are "getting with" the people who were behind that person during their upbringing.

When you say masculinity, you mean you can deal with someone for some extended period before realizing that he's effeminate?
The point about family can't be underestimated.

[NyameNti]

When you say masculinity, you mean you can deal with someone for some extended period before realizing that he's effeminate?
The point about family can't be underestimated.

I will approach the answer to this query mindfully:

"Effeminate" is a broad word and I feel that this word is beyond the scope of my experience and ability to define it. However, if I were to define the term "effeminate" in context to the response to this thread, I find it necessary to reference the following excerpts from Bro. Baruti's book, Homosexuality And The Effeminization Of Afrikan Males, as it may be helpful in defining what was meant in my use of the word "masculinity" in this discussion:

• Effeminate males are ill-prepared for either mental or physical battle.
• They exist in a state of self-denial rejecting any possibility of cultural conspiracy against Afrikans in Western society.
• Self-negation, the illusion of multiculturalism in an eurocentric context and an ingrained fear of struggle and death force effeminized Afrikan males to suppress any awareness that they are in conflict with a technologically more sophisticated enemy.....
• The creation of an effeminate personality communicates the READY WILL TO SUBMIT. And that submission is toward anything exhibiting masculinity in a deliberate and relentless striving to be protected from harm's way.

So yes, it is possible to deal with someone a "period of time" before realizing their true stance. Thus, I reference the importance of the time factor and finding more about the person's family (or there usual habitat). Humans are always on their best behavior during the "hunt"

It is also important to note, that I have learned that in traditional Afrikan gender relations power was side by side (lateral)-not hierarchical. So mutual respect between the sexes is inferred. In contrast, western ideals regarding sex roles are traditionally defined under synonymous terms (e.g. manly, muscular, macho or rugged). Which brings up the term chosen to describe a trait that communicates a personal awareness of a requirement (trait) to balance a complementary relationship. Masculinity can mean different things to different people-which may explain why some females are accused of being attracted to "bad boys" or why some men equate masculinity to violence.

My definition of masculinity is based on the models placed around my life as a youth:

• Male figures available emotionally-yet masculine energy remained evident (very protective)
• Males of Utility: Useful in activities of strength/manual skill without direction (very aware of their role-solicitation rarely required).
• Males with opinions (maybe not so scholarly, but at least they verbalized their stance on life-with no apology).

In closing, when the men of my youth walked into the room-all feminine beings were aware of the important roles that they played in our lives.
Looking back, I have to smile. These are my heroes...I realize more than ever the role that these men have played in shaping my definition of masculinity.
Again, time is a wonderful thing.

[Obadele Kambon]

@NyameNti This is a very well thought out and articulated response. I'm crystal clear on what you mean now.

[?errthang]

For me...the definition/qualification for 'Knowing You Are Afrikan' means that almost all of the other traits listed are included. If you qualify that you identify and take ownership of Being Afrikan (not just of Afrikan descent), it means He:

• Behaves consistently with being Afrikan
• Honest
• Attractive? eye of the beholder
• Conscious
• Financially stable (should be, but in this reality it is difficult)
• Spiritual
• Healthy
• Politically active
• Environmentally aware
• Militant
• Well read
• Consistent
• Funny
• Sincere
• Other...

And as with any conscious Afrikan, should living by the Oracles of Ma'at:

1. I WILL NOT DO WRONG
2. I WILL NOT STEAL
3. I WILL NOT ACT WITH VIOLENCE
4. I WILL NOT KILL
5. I WILL NOT BE UNJUST
6. I WILL NOT CAUSE PAIN
7. I WILL NOT WASTE FOOD
8. I WILL NOT LIE
9. I WILL NOT DESECRATE HOLY PLACES
10. I WILL NOT SPEAK EVIL
11. I WILL NOT ABUSE MY SEXUALITY
12. I WILL NOT CAUSE THE SHEDDING OF TEARS
13. I WILL NOT SOW SEEDS OF REGRET
14. I WILL NOT BE AN AGGRESSOR
15. I WILL NOT ACT GUILEFUL
16. I WILL NOT LAY WASTE THE PLOWED LAND
17. I WILL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS
18. I WILL NOT SET MY MOUTH IN MOTION(AGAINST ANY PERSON)
19. I WILL NOT BE WRATHFUL AND ANGRY EXCEPT FOR A JUST CAUSE
20. I WILL NOT COPULATE WITH A MAN’S WIFE
21. I WILL NOT COPULATE WITH A WOMAN’S HUSBAND
22. I WILL NOT POLLUTE MYSELF
23. I WILL NOT CAUSE TERROR
24. I WILL NOT POLLUTE THE EARTH
25. I WILL NOT SPEAK IN ANGER
26. I WILL NOT TURN FROM WORDS OF RIGHT AND TRUTH
27. I WILL NOT UTTER CURSES
28. I WILL NOT INITIATE A QUARREL
29. I WILL NOT BE EXCITABLE OR CONTENTIOUS
30. I WILL NOT BE PREJUDICE
31. I WILL NOT BE AN EAVESDROPPER
32. I WILL NOT SPEAK OVERMUCH
33. I WILL NOT COMMIT TREASON AGAINST MY ANCESTORS
34. I WILL NOT WASTE WATER
35. I WILL NOT DO EVIL
36. I WILL NOT BE ARROGANT
37. I WILL NOT BLASPHEME NTR (THE ONE MOST HIGH)
38. I WILL NOT COMMIT FRAUD
39. I WILL NOT DEFRAUD TEMPLE OFFERINGS
40. I WILL NOT PLUNDER THE DEAD
41. I WILL NOT MISTREAT CHILDREN
42. I WILL NOT MISTREAT ANIMALS

Any more I would look for....we'll just put in 'Other'

I'm there for Him and expect Him to be there for Me, cause that's the only way to have a strong Us.
I've got His (and expect Him to have My) Back, Front, Sides, Top and Bottom if need be
Back in case they try to sneak up on him
Front in case the threat is within my forte' (i'm better equipped)
Sides, because a linked chain is not easily broken
Top to shield/block/deflect what might come pouring down
& Bottom when he needs a boost

[Ekundayo]

Quite interesting indeed (as always any question or inquiry about relationships gets the most attention....) My thing is the women in my life have to be clear that they are Afrikan and be constantly moving closer to some authentic idea of what it means to be African (practicing an traditional African spiritual system, learning to speak the language of that system, kwk.....) However, the most important thing for me is to be with someone who actually wants to (and can) build something. A nationbuilder. Talking and debating is nice, the multitude of beads and baubles are good, all of the titles and initiations are cute, the knowledge of (not fluency) of many languages is (somewhat) impressive; however, the question becomes who are you going to leave all of these things to?

[Obadele Kambon]

@?errthang, I definitely like the 42 declarations. And the different directions...very creative. What if he wants children? Would you find time in your schedule for that?
@Ekundayo, BlackNificent points. What would you like to build with the nationbuilding sister?

[Ojuolape]

If I had to choose just two I would say Character and Swag baby. Righteous character and my kinda swag.