Coming home: Revelations from former prisoners-gctid42149

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COMING HOME: REVELATIONS FROM FORMER PRISONERS
by Sis. Marpessa Kupendua

"I WANT TO LIVE EVERY DAY, because I'm afraid I might lose it all again!" - Former DOC No. A27963

Transitioning from a prisoner number to an adult person expected to take  on adult responsibilities can be overwhelming for many ex-inmates,  particularly those who were incarcerated for long periods of time.  The  prison industry is flourishing because America is locking up more people  than any country in the entire world (2 million + and counting), most  for non-violent convictions. The subsequent psychological, sensory and  physical impact that many of these returnees experience often goes  unaddressed and isn't discussed very often by politicians or mainstream  media, even though each day many of us will share space with someone who  has spent a significant portion of their life in a cage.  Every one of  us should be concerned because these men and women are of us and will be  returning to us, our communities, and many to our own families.   This  is dedicated to better understanding the impact of this system's  'corrections' from those who lived it.

FAMILY AND SUPPORTERS

Former prisoners should ideally receive counseling before release and as  part of their release plan to help move through the potentially  challenging moments they may experience upon re-entry.  Likewise the  family should (also ideally) be offered counseling before the inmate is  released, particularly the children of soon to be ex-prisoners.   Caretakers of the children during the incarceration need to know the  pitfalls that could occur and learn the tools to protect everyone  emotionally while remaining as supportive as possible during the  readjustment period.  The family members are changed people as a result  of the inmate's incarceration, just as the inmate is, and so things will  likely not ever get back to the way they once were.   Supporters should  always offer encouragement and guidance geared toward smoothing out  potentially bumpy transitions and not make the returnee feel as though  they owe them something for having supported them while incarcerated nor  exacerbate negativity that only serves to further divide and cause pain  within the family.

Ex-prisoners may not readily accept the advice of others because they  are finally free to not follow anyone else's orders and so may make  errors in judgement when dealing with seemingly simple situations.   Opportunists may take advantage of some of these vulnerable returnees  as some can be easily manipulated and led into situations that are  detrimental to them.  Former friends and dangerous influences may arise  and ex-prisoners may even fall into some old patterns.  Even when  mistakes are made, the last thing returnees need to deal with is  ridicule or condemnation, breeding resentment and deterring badly needed  support.  Many have been terrorized mentally and physically at the  hands of guards and other inmates and have deep scarring that no one can  see from the outside looking in.  Comparing one ex-prisoner's successes  to another's lack thereof is meaningless because each individual's  journey through their prison years varies greatly and so shall their  journey upon release.

"I had a family. I had a house. I had a car. I had a job.... I was  making good money. Everything was going well, and now I don't have the  patience for anything.... I have problems with my physical self. I have  aches in my body and my legs.... [My] life is a lot harder.  No matter  how many visits, phone calls, and letters you have shared with people,  you still don't know how much they have changed over a lengthy period of  time until you're actually around them regularly, and they feel the  same way about you."

"My son wasn't a baby any more and he hadn't seen me in 10 years. Now he  was 12. He wouldn't let me hug him. He wouldn't even shake my hand. I'm  trying to understand this. I cry every night."

"I want to prove to myself and those who stuck by me that i can make it  right.  i'm so scared of letting anyone down after the burden i've  been."

"Everything has been taken from me while inside, my mom had been taken  from me, my dad has been taken from me, I have no family at all out here  and I am completely on my own with $75 and nowhere to go.  i was  engaged when i got locked up at 18 -- now i'm 45, the rest of my teens,  all of my 20s, 30s, and most of my 40s, gone!  My only child was born  while i was inside and is now himself an inmate and so we'll never be  together."

"i live with my mother in my old neighborhood.  i need a pardon in order  to get paid for wrongful imprisonment. After all they've taken from me,  you'd think they'd at least provide me with my basic needs, i'm  embarrassed to depend on my family as a 45 yr old man to have to eat."

"Every night I pray and pray for the prisoners I left behind, I feel so  badly for them living under such horrible conditions and promised many  of them I would help them when I got out. My one friend is getting out  of prison this week, she has been locked up for 8 years....she was 18  when she got locked up. I want to see her, but part of me wants to leave  that part of me behind....!!!  i want to help but how can i help, i  barely have my feet on the ground as it is.  But I promised I would and  she is counting on me for support."

"I went into a serious depression and was put on a medication that drove  me into a prison within myself. It took the program staff several  months to realize I wasn't talking to anyone or eating, that I had lost  about 30 pounds. I was 'gone' even though I was performing my required  duties. After all those years of taking care of myself, to be so strong  and resourceful and get myself paroled (By God's Grace) and then not  know how to do anything for myself was really difficult."

THE REAL WORLD

A study of the attitudes of released prisoners in the United States  revealed that most expected to be labeled "ex-cons" and treated as  failures and pariahs.  Getting paperwork together to apply for services  such as a birth certificate, social security card, driver's license,  etc., are very difficult to obtain and yet are very necessary to acquire  quickly in order to become recognized as a person in this system.   Learning bus/subway systems or even walking routes may be difficult  because of the changes that have taken place in the landscape.  A steady  diet of encouragement is necessary in order to try and help them find a  new 'normal' in their life and set and achieve goals.  The feelings of  alienation may still be present, no matter how many people may feel that  they are close to the inmate.

"The dysfunctional consequences of institutionalization are not always  immediately obvious once the institutional structure and procedural  imperatives have been removed. This is especially true in cases where  persons retain a minimum of structure wherever they re-enter free  society. Moreover, the most negative consequences of  institutionalization may first occur in the form of internal chaos,  disorganization, stress, and fear. Yet, institutionalization has taught  most people to cover their internal states, and not to openly or easily  reveal intimate feelings or reactions. So, the outward appearance of  normality and adjustment may mask a range of serious problems in  adapting to the freeworld. ... when severely institutionalized persons  confront complicated problems or conflicts, especially in the form of  unexpected events that cannot be planned for in advance, the myriad of  challenges that the non-institutionalized confront in their everyday  lives outside the institution may become overwhelming. The facade of  normality begins to deteriorate, and persons may behave in dysfunctional  or even destructive ways because all of the external structure and  supports upon which they relied to keep themselves controlled, directed,  and balanced have been removed.   ... Parents who return from periods  of incarceration still dependent on institutional structures and  routines cannot be expected to effectively organize the lives of their  children or exercise the initiative and autonomous decisionmaking that  parenting requires. ... Those who remain emotionally over-controlled and  alienated from others will experience problems being psychologically  available and nurturant."-- http://aspe.hhs.gov/hsp/prison2home02/Haney.htm#II

"It felt like I was walking into another world again, I couldn't believe  it. Because I've been fighting so long, when (my release) eventually  came I didn't know whether to take it or run back inside."

"I was very frightened to walk across a street. I couldn't judge the  time, distance, and speed of on-coming traffic. I had a problem with my  sensory depth perception from bars being right in front of my face. I  realized it was a problem after wildly running in an almost panic across  the street, only to see the on-rushing traffic to remain still  considerable distances down the street. I told myself, 'you've got a  problem, so get over it - fast.' And that's exactly what I did. I worked  and worked on it."

"DO NOT walk up behind me without saying something or making noise of some kind BEFORE you get near me..."

"It takes a long time to adjust to basic things, like knowing you can  open the bedroom door and go out. One man I know of couldn't leave his  bedroom without someone coming to get him.  I'm a lot more  claustrophobic now -- even the shower curtain bothers me. Many of us  suffer from sleep disorders, paranoia, pervasive anxiety, depression,  nightmares, night sweats and many symptoms of post-traumatic stress  disorder. "

""The first few days are the hardest, just getting your senses used to  not being in an institution can be overwhelming.  The smells of urban  life, the sounds, eyes adjusting to home lighting.  Feet hardly know how  to walk on wood floors and carpeting (vs. concrete).  Being able to  close a door and not be watched, the softness of cushions and blankets  and people, lights that can be turned on and off when you want."

"Last I checked life doesn't come with instructions. You just got to  take it how it comes sometimes. I wish I knew how to make it through a  trip to the grocery store without becoming overwhelmed and traumatized  by the experience of too many choices. Ice cream was a 30 minute  decision making event for me. I have not yet adjusted to thinking for  myself completely."

"It is all a lot faster, people are different, more hostile and pushy than I remember. "

"Once you get outside those gates, you lose those same independent,  ambitious thoughts you had, you feel lost and very dependent on other's  guidance. I felt thrust into solitude after the active,  super-responsible life-style I had in prison. I had a job, a routine,  and had earned my respect.  I sat in my room at the halfway house, where  there was a small TV. For 3 days, I never turned it on because I didn't  know how to, and I was too ashamed to ask anyone for help."

"I worry about violating parole every time I step outside, by resembling  someone or just by talking to the wrong person. Everytime i see the  police go by, even though i'm not breaking any law, makes my heart skip a  beat because they love to harass Blacks and Latinos, it's a game to  them.  I only did 5 years and I still jump at the sound of keys or 2 way  radio."

"I am in awe of all of you as I watch you scurrying around, maneuvering  so nonchalantly, effortlessly, while I stumble around like I'm  deaf/blind, not knowing which way to go, too prideful to ask many times.   I watch people's conversations but have little to offer outside of  prison stories, so I have no conversational chit-chat.  I watch people  hop on and off buses, read confusing street signs and symbols, while i'm  still getting lost in these huge stores or feel nervous sitting in a  waiting room where it seems that everyone is watching me. "

EMPLOYMENT/SURVIVAL

Statistically more than half of all inmates are re-arrested at some  point, so setting small goals and working towards accomplishing them  soon after release is key to getting on the good foot towards staying  out.  The basic requirements are just what anyone would expect them to  be:  information on where to obtain temporary shelter,  food, clothing,  health care/medicines, and the legal documents necessary to apply for  employment and services.  Instead of prisons providing some semblance of  these basic requirements for inmates upon release, most are instead  sent home with less than $100, the clothes on their backs, and no  support system.  They are programmed to fail so that this system can  continue to keep its well-oiled, prison money-making machine humming.

"There had been no help from inside to prepare me to be successful  getting out. At the core of being successful outside is how you can make  decisions. I felt inadequate, stupid, less than other people when I  first got out, and that made it harder to feel able to make any of the  decisions.  We think we have a plan and think we have an idea of what it  will be, hour by hour, minute by minute. We just get a Plan A together,  but we are not prepared with Plan B, C, or D for when Plan A doesn't  work!"

"I wish I never had to talk about why I went to jail again. Everytime I  have to tell someone I've been to jail, I have to go through the entire  story. I just want to put it all behind me, but no one will let me. I  just want to work."

"I am out of a job, so I need a job and services to help are limited.  Because all my adult life has been inside, I have no work history before  2009 and didn't make enough to pay into UE (unemployment) benefits and  only paid less than a year. Because of unemployment's structure (like  the rest of the gov) I only received benefits for four months and have  no more money.  Also as grateful as I am for friends who come thru in my  time of need, I am growing soul weary of taking hand outs at my age. I  feel like I should be able to take care of myself and not feel as  dependant as I was when I was incarcerated."

"The biggest psychological effect that incarceration had on me when I  came out after twelve years was not being able to move about as freely  as I imagined I would. It isn't that I am not learning some of the  things I need to, but that I am not learning all the things I want to  and it comes down to time.  Often people who come out come to realize  that the help they thought they would easily find isn't available and  they must do things on their own and that takes time and often just  living day to day is hard enough. Now a person can either take their  time, manage their time and eventually get to it or get caught up again  and be back on the prison plantation. Basic things like how to use cell  phones, developing resumes, getting legal documents like ss cards, birth  certificates and such are difficult tasks and when people don't plan on  how to do some of these things before they come out it will be an even  harder task when they are released."

"It is frustrating to lay awake and think 'Well if I go back to prison  at least my life will be assigned to me: job, clothes, bed, and food,  will all be handed to me and I don't have to worry.' Don't get me wrong I  have no intention (for now) of committing a crime, however I wonder  what I will do if push comes to shove and I'm truly out of cash and have  no way to eat or support myself at all."

"Sent home with no money, job, or place to live. Red tape keeps me from  collecting anything from the state for my wrongful imprisonment.  Even  though i've been exonerated, the record hasn't shown it and so the  charges are still on my record and I can't get a job!"

"We're not seen as community members when we get out, and we face  discrimination in employment, housing, etc. People don't necessarily see  the value of former prisoners, or understand that we have a right to be  part of the community and have something to contribute. We need to get  that sense of self and value as part of community."

"One of the things that happens is we don't know the questions to ask because we don't know the answers we need."

GOD BLESS THE CHILD

Information is power.  Boston's 'Coming Home' Directory is an excellent  example of the type of resource that ex-offenders need upon release from  prison, listing providers of emergency assistance, health care, housing  help, legal assistance, support groups, veterans and women's groups,  plus much more, check it out at http://www.cominghomedirectory.org/index.php.  This directory is exactly the type of information that needs to be in  the hands of ex-offenders and their families/supporters from day one.   Residents of cities that don't provide a directory along these same  lines should get together and create one and make it widely available.   This would be a really excellent project for prison activists or any  group/church/club to take on.  Ex-offenders need assistance applying for  and receiving services for some period of time following release, this  is basic and should not even be an issue anywhere in this country!

Former prisoners, their families and supporters must become involved in  organizing for serious changes in state and federal policies and within  the prison hellholes themselves.  All can attest to the horrendous  conditions and practices that violate health codes and constitutional  guarantees against cruel and unusual punishment.  With millions of lives  being impacted in some way by the prison system, there could be a  massive prison movement happening right now if people who know the deal  would simply participate at whatever level they can, there is strength  in numbers!  A great example of returnees and supporters organizing is  Returning Citizens United (returningcitizensunited@verizon.net)  of Washington, DC. who actively organize to break the cycle of  homelessness, addiction, and incarceration by coalitioning for  affordable housing, jobs, and addiction treatment services which can  help address the root causes of these issues. They also are fighting for  alternatives to incarceration. They believe that by continued  recognition for those who have lost their way, they can work together as  a unit to help restore the lives of homeless, recovering, and returning  citizens (ex-offenders) by meeting their needs so that they can regain  structure and stability in society.

Helping to rebuild shattered lives is an onerous task that can be rife  with frustration and anguish, particularly when it comes to families and  supporters.  Breaking old habits is more than just a notion for  returnees sometimes, but they also must not just be about themselves and  recognize that their loved ones have endured tremendous anxiety,  depression and grief from missing them and worrying over their day to  day survival inside the prison.  No matter the amount of joy family and  friends may have felt at any given time, that could instantly convert to  that sad, sinking feeling by just the thought of their dearly loved one  locked up in a prison far away from home. Many family members struggle  with illnesses, addictions, and other destructive behaviors as they,  too, have done time right along with the ex-prisoner as well as endured  the gossiping whispers of a community, church or workplace.  Children  are traumatized by the teasing of their peers because they have a parent  or sibling in prison and are devastated when visits and phone calls  end, many times having gone for years without even their human touch.  Many families also suffer financial ruin from lawyer fees, fines, the  obscene price gouging of prisoner phone calls, traveling hundreds of  miles to rural areas to visit, and putting money in prison commissary  accounts.  Some parolees are even asked to pay a monthly fee for their  parole before they have even secured employment, so this also falls to  the families to pay!  These families truly are the forgotten victims.  Supporters must show compassion and not be judgmental or harsh when  issues arise as the family and ex-prisoner struggle to readjust around a  myriad of issues.  Plans may have to change but you best believe that  there is always a new day and a new way to fight for a positive outcome  for all concerned.

"What I really wish I knew back then that I know now is that no matter  how well you plan your release it won't be anything like you plan!! Even  and especially the happy family reunions we dream about won't be so  happy. They may be at first but then the reality of time and distance  starts to show. Our family's have a lot of unresolved emotions that may  be hidden behind the 'I just want you home' face. My kids told me a year  before I got out on Mother's Day that they couldn't wait to see me  every day. When I got out they had moved from LA area to near San  Bernardino and will barely speak to me. I took it hard when my plans  weren't going my way especially on the family part. I just want women to  know that even though it won't go as planned, don't make the mistake I  made and let it stop you from taking advantage of what new opportunities  arise from life planning itself. This is not the structured world of  prison. No one ever knows how a day can begin and end. Just push on and  enjoy having a day to begin and end. There aren't any limits out here  and we stand equal to those around us so we don't have to bend to others  will anymore. I think that was my downfall, I forgot that someone  else's word isn't law, that I have the power over my life and most of  all my freedom including freedom to question or challenge or change the  course of my life. My best advice: don't plan beyond finding a place to  stay. The first week get your ID, SSI card, and GR or whatever income  will sustain you until you get a job. But let all the rest be and take  it as it comes."

Keep on pushing forward, together we can make better days ahead!

Thanks to:

Bilal,  Deirdre, Diana, Karima, Lee, Mary Ellen, Misty, Mustafa, Nikki, Robin, Vonda and Yango

CA Coalition for Women Prisoners - California Coalition for Women Prisoners

Prisoners are People, Too - Prisoners Are People Too - History/Who We Are

The Intersectionality of Race, Gender, and Reentry Challenges for  Kmtyw-American Women, [PDF] American Constitution Society for Law and  Policy. November, 2010. "Kmtyw-American women offenders face  collateral attacks on their motherhood, on their ability to secure  housing and employment, and on their ability to reintegrate. Reentry  programs must have a race and gender focus that confronts  intersectionality." http://www.prisonpolicy.org/research/prison_programs_recidivism_reentry/)
http://innocenceprojectpa.wordpress.com/2011/01/20/exonerees-speak-about-life-after-prison-2/

http://thejerichomovement.com  - Jericho is a movement with the defined goal of gaining recognition of  the fact that political prisoners and prisoners of war exist inside of  the United States despite the US government's continued denial ... and  winning amnesty and freedom for these political prisoners.

http://truthinjustice.org/finding-solace.htm

http://www.law.berkeley.edu/files/IHRLC/ReturningHomeDownloadable.pdf

http://www.scribd.com/doc/11210655/Life-After-Prison-Steps-to-Making-it-on-the-Outside  (Cons Helping Cons was not specifically excerpted in this piece but has  great suggestions for ex-prisoners, well worth checking out).